Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Snarky Bits of Nothing

Since my laptop is still M.I.A. with a revised arrival date of 4:30 p.m. this afternoon,I thought I'd post a list of my most pleasant daily rants.

Rain already! Geez! Every evening the weatherman teases us with the location of the clouds and "When will we get rain in the valley?" Probably the twelth of never! This has been the summer of the giant dirt storms (those silly haboobs) with the exception of one short hard rain. Oh well. My luck, I'll attract a hurricane when we're in Florida in late September! After all, I am a tropical storm magnet.

Speaking of haboobs, some folks in Arizona got pissed because they said the local weathermen have given those dirt storms a name derived from the part of the world where Muslims live. Only in Arizona! (Where we now have an official state gun.)

What is it with these convertibles in the hot Arizona summer? Hello! It's 110 degrees. Every foray from the house, we see ejits with their tops down out cruising at high noon. A 110 degree breeze is like sticking your head in a 500 degree oven! I guess they're vying for the lobster face award? As my grandfather used to say, when the train arrived with the brains, they forgot to go to the station!

People! Do your exercising early before the temp hits 105! We recently sighted the neighbors out exercise-walking 2 miles from home at 2:00 p.m.! No hats, no sunglasses, no water bottles, and the temp was 109. (See the above wisdom from my grandfather.) To top it off, the man had on black socks halfway up to his knees with his short short gym shorts and the wife (referred to as Crazy Lady in the neighborhood) had on long black pants. What? No long-sleeved black hoodie? On a side note, this is the man a few months ago who called 911 and brought the cops to our door because he saw menacing junior high girls lurking behind our wall in the community park. We think he was pissed because the 11-year olds were hanging out in the spot where he normally stands to eavesdrop on us in the pool. I guess he's waiting for the swingers' convention to start? Strange rangers!

Seriously Miss Saby! At the ripe age of 13+, you're now digging holes in the backyard to hide bones? Do we not feed you enough? Suddenly, after five years, Saby in her old age has started digging up the backyard. I attribute it to her stays at Dog Bone Ranch. I think she's acquired some bad habits from other dogs! Or maybe the ranch just got her in touch with her primal self?

Please. We do not want to hear about your colonoscopy, latest trip to the ER, and the time you used the over the counter earwash and huge pieces of brown wax came out of your ears while we're eating at Rigatoni's! About the time our salads arrived, the people three tables away fired up. A couple with loud high-pitched voices started down the list of their latest medical adventures. I told Craig when we left, I should stop by and express my sympathy in person for the woman's bowels, his heart problems, and the son's ear wax. (I didn't. I'm all talk.)

I somehow managed to miss the ABC News piece on "How to Stop Mindless Eating" because I had my head in the refrigerator. What was that?

We finally updated to an HD receiver with our cable package. Last night Craig and I were hysterically howling during the 10 o'clock news. Seriously, we've got some strange-looking nuts in Arizona!

And then there's Blogger. Enough already. Fix it! None of the editing buttons on the Compose toolbar have been working since Saturday.

I really should do this more often. (But for your health, I should probably just keep my mouth shut!) Hopefully by tomorrow, I will return to normal -- whatever that is!


Jana said...

This post get the 'Erma Bombeck Award'. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sandia said...

LMAO!!!! This was a very funny post and you certainly have some great sayings that I will have to hijack-LOL...actually, you kinda sounded like Jana in this post- Sandia

AJ. Baxter said...

Excellent rant - made my day!

Kay said...

Seriously, an official state GUN???? Wow.

jeanie said...

LMAO I hope the housing market picks up so you guys can move out of that crazy state. Too many nutbars. You know I love you Beck and I worry.

Janet said...

I agree LMAO!! That was a hilarious post. Made a not so good day fun, thanks!!

drgeo said...

Perhaps Saby digs a hole in order to get cooler? Even a delicate flower tends to wilt at 109 degrees. Or perhaps that will become a tunnel so she can spy on your eavesdropping neighbor. Whatever it is, I'm certain she has a good reason. After all, she comes from a good family!

Life's a Beach! said...

My mind is naturally snarky. Maybe I should just start carrying a notepad and writing one of these posts once a week. HA!

Katalina said...

I enjoyed the hell out of that! I think you should vent whenever you feel like it!